Hello, LCOers! If you remember, I had a thread a few months ago of the same title except it was TR4, not TR5. Anyway, my computer freaked out and caused the whole thing to go south (i.e all my pictures got deleted before I could upload them and the game wouldn't even run). Anyway, I told everyone in the thread that I'd be doing TRII, but Fraps and TRII don't really like each other. Anyway, for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about (i.e didn't read my first thread), this is basically a humorous look at stuff in TR5 that either doesn't make sense, or is just plain funny. Snarky commentary included!

Level I: Streets of Rome

a.k.a the people of Rome are deaf

Obligatory chest shot.

Ok, so after roundhouse kicking a large southern man, leaping two stories down onto a hardwood floor unharmed, getting shot at and thus endangering the lives of everyone in the opera (they were CLAPPING for god's sake!), and dropkicking an oddly placed Pizza Delivery guy on his scooter, we find Lara here. Yep, not a minute into the game and she's already broken into a warehouse.

Leverswitch. Leverswitch....WHO PRONOUNCES IT LIKE THAT?! Ah, you crazy brits make me laugh.

.

Why is there a large basin of water behind the Opera? Also, for some reason TR5 Lara takes an overly-dramatic breath of air that sounds like some ungodly animal when she gets out of water. Why is the water purple, anyway?

As if breaking and entering is not enough...

"OMG WHAT WAS THAT?!"

Eh, if I heard a loud disembodied ringing sound after picking up a golden rose, I'd be scared witless, too.

BATS! Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodoh--hey, where'd they go?!

You know what? I'm not even going to say anything. Lara can just shatter as many things as she pleases in this game; I just don't care anymore!*

Larson shot about fifteen times right next to a building with a revolver, yet no one even so much as bobbed their heads out of a window. Are Italians def or something?!**

When would this be needed in normal everyday life?! Why does Lara know how to tightrope walk of all things?!

Given that the revolver was found in a deserted ally, it was probably used for a mugging and dropped as the mugger ran. Yep, Lara just stole evidence from a crime scene.

If Italy's main religion is Roman Catholicism, why in the world would there be two ornate stars of David used to open a gate? Isn't that a Jewish symbol?

That's not foreboding at all. Nope. Not whatsoever.

Notice how nothing is in her hands.

"Gee, boss, first you tell me to shoot 'er down in broad daylight infront of a residential housing complex, then you get us all on this roof, and now you're tellin' me not to shoot her until later?"

And they say Larson's the dumb one.

Ugh, dumb and ugly.

Care to tell me why there's a lasersight in front of a church?!

...Or a large battering ram?!

...Prince?

*:But that doesn't mean I can't point it out at every instance!

**: Maybe j7wild can explain?

Edited June 16, 200719 yr by VonCroyJr.

Very nice!

Level II: Trajan's Markets

a.k.a Why will the bell not stop ringing?!

This completely baffles me. At this point, you don't need the lasersight to progress, so why is it offered to people that somehow missed it twice?

EDIT: I'm an idiot. I forgot about the disembodied head fight (that nearly drives me up the wall every flipping time)

The bane of my existence. *

In the last level it was dusk but now it looks to be an overcast afternoon?

More supposed shrine offerings. Guess what Lara did with them?

Yep.

Gravity defying mice that came from out of nowhere! Run!

FEE FI FO FUM!!!

Oh God.

Look, foggy, nasty, rat infested sewers!

Ew ew ew ew ew!

Well, this won't end well!**

I survived the fight but died almost immediately afterwards. Never misjudge the distance of a deep pool, kids.

More religion crossing, this time with an egyptian ankh!***

Nope, still not foreboding!

And so ends to most monotonous boss battle ever! I like to call them the Tron Dragons since they make computer'y blinking sounds when they blow away. ^-^

Ooooh, pretty liiiiight.

*: My hate for these awful things can be summed up in one onomatopoeia:

*CRACK*

**:It was actually easier than I expected. The shotgun is a wonderful thing. ^-^

***: And this one doesn't set in motion the end of the world, which is always a good thing.

Edited June 18, 200719 yr by VonCroyJr.

ROTFLMAO!

This is hilarious! well done! When's the Collosseum coming? I love this!

Ugh, dumb and ugly.

Hey, whos that? He looks like Shakespere

Nice pics VCJ anywhoo

Hey, whos that? He looks like Shakespere

Nice pics VCJ anywhoo

That's Pierre DuPont. He was in TR1, killed, and was in TRC, and he was also killed.

Yep, no complexes there!

Anyway, Colosseum will come later today. I plan to have an update at least every other day, just to let you know.

Also, to people who are just reading, please reply with something. Sometimes consistent updates aren't enough to keep a thread on the first page.

Level III: The Colosseum

a.k.a I thought the Colosseum was above ground?

Nothing like a completely non-threatening hallway to start a level. ^-^

This was...unexpected.

So let me get this straight. Not only does this level have Colosseum fighters that should've died off a few centuries ago, but said fighters also have a sub-machine gun in their quarters that was invented in the late 1940s.

Okay. Whatever.

Uh oh, a pull chain. These are never good.*

Well, we can all see what the director of this scene had on his mind. **

No snarky commentary here (although I still think Pierre's image could break glass), but I just now noticed the blue Ns on Piere's magnums, which leads me to believe he was already employed by Natla, and was hired to kill her. However, Natla and Lara seem to not know each other in TR1. MORE COMPLEXES!

I find it painfully ironic that you have to get right back in the same position to get a secret after the cutscene. Why Lara just didn't shimmy over to the secret area during the cutscene I have no idea.

A big empty room with a receptacle in the middle! If Indiana Jones movies have taught me anything, it's that this is NOT going to become trapped whatsoever!

Y'know, I should just stop talking.

It's frozen lava!

I was going to think of snarky commentary, but I was too busy dying

Hey, how do I get out of here?

*: I actually did the run on the first try for once. ^-^

**: If you don't get it, look at what angle Lara's shot at. Nope, not sexually charged at all.

Edited June 18, 200719 yr by VonCroyJr.

Ok... one question: How on Earth did you notice the blue Ns on Pierre's guns!! LOL I had to stare at them for AGES in order to see something!

Ok... one question: How on Earth did you notice the blue Ns on Pierre's guns!! LOL I had to stare at them for AGES in order to see something!

Since I've heard the dialogue multiple times, I tend to just tune everyone out and look at the scenery.

Anyway, on with the show!

Level IV: The Base

a.k.a Lara has infinite knowledge of how to control cranes!

Sorry, Mr.CraneGuy, but Lara is sadly not a cheap plush teddy bear.

Oh, and before I forget: Obligitory chest sh--

I forgot that you had to keep moving...

"Swiper, no swiping!"

"Oh shut up you insufferable little brat!"

Goodies! Yay! ^O^

Now that's just unfair.

No matter how many times I play it, this part is always infuriating.

Allso, it should be noted that I franticly jumped Lara around looking for the opposite opening, and I ended up going in a circle.

I wish I could walk up to any particular machine and know how to control it flawlessly.

You know you've hidden a secret poorly when I find it before find it while looking for the actual exit.

What exactly is the point of down here?

CLEAR YOUR THROAT BEFORE I PLANT A BULLET IN IT!*

There was no change in water depth when Lara opened this. Who needs physics anyway, right Core? <_<

This fellow had a clip of ammo for a gun he didn't even have. Crazy commies.

"Sniper, no sniping!"

*POW*

"Good riddance!"

"I just saw an annoying cartoon character get assassinated! I have no will to live! Goodbye cruel--"**

Damn, a cutscene.

Generic 1990s video game guy ahoy!

*:He sound s like he's gagging on a frog every time he opens his godforsaken mouth!

**: You could hear Lara's neck break just as the cutscene started to play.

THERE WILL NOT BE AN UPDATE FOR DEAPSEA DIVE BECAUSE IT'S TOO SHORT

Level V: The Submarine

a.k.a Make a Beatles reference and DIE

Because breaking out of captivity through ventilation shafts is a totally new and fresh idea that hasn't been done in every videogame ever.

It sure is convenient that there's random rungs in a ventilation shaft that would have no purpose but to let shady spies sneak through the vents!

How did this submarine pass code? It has hanging wires with enough voltage to kill someone instantly, and you can just hear the walls buckle from the water's pressure. I'm personally surprised it took a fat Russian man exploding to sink the ship!

"Haha, the man thought the spy was a man because spies are usually big butch males and not large-breasted females like Lara Croft! Haha! Hahahaha!"

THE GAME HAS BEEN AROUND FOR FOUR YEARS AT THIS POINT. THE PROTAGONIST HAS DOUBLE X CHROMOSOMES. WE GET IT.

Jeez.

The guy sounds bad enough in real life; my eardrums would probably commit suicide if I had to hear his voice with radio static and distortion.

"I said medium-rare, dammit!"

Lovely how there's no actual cooking/food supplies in the back of the kitchen, but there are two Colt .45s.

It must suck to die right after *ehem* relieving yourself.*

Why would a submarine built only for finding ancient Christian artifacts have torpedoes in it?

OH GOD GET HER AWAY FROM ME.**

*: Apparently if you run in fast enough, the guy's standing on the sink.

....

Okay.

**: Although Racoon Lara is a highlight of this awful, wretched game.

Edited June 21, 200719 yr by VonCroyJr.

great pics! Reminds me of how much I loved playing this game <_

I liked TRC too.Nice progress VCJ

Level V: The Submarine

a.k.a Make a Beatles reference and DIE

Hahahahahahahahah, oh come on! I love this level!

I was going to think of snarky commentary, but I was too busy dying

Okay, I gotta admit, that made me giggle! Awesome run, VCJ

Yay, more people are replying!

LEVEL VII: SINKING SUBMARINE?

a.k.a What? Where's VI?!*

Yep, the sinking Submarine. The only reason they call it this is because "The Submarine That Instantly Sinks When You End The Level Even Though The Water Level Didn't Change At All During Gameplay" was a bit too long.

Just because we're all sinking to our watery doom doesn't mean there's no time to pillage!

Okay, so at other physics-defying points in TR, I can give it the benefit of the doubt. But fire on top of water? Come on, now.**

Yes, firing guns at the walls of a quickly sinking ship is not dangerous at all!

Even though there are exposed power lines and wreckage everywhere, the doors still work flawlessly. I haven't seen this much misuse of an interesting concept since Maria Doria!

So the master switch for the entire sub's power was in a storeroom that is identical to about ten others? Gawd, the person who built this sub was a genius!

Luckily, this is the last time we hear his wretched voice.

Ack! Another cutscene with him! What did I do to deserve this?!

Oh yeah. By giving whatshisface the spear, I pretty much killed everyone on board.

Stupid karma.

"Tell my story!"

"You have my word..."

No you don't, actually. Right after getting back she never told anyone for their "Own protection"

Lying little &^%$!!!

*:Because nothing with the number six in Tomb Raider ever turns out good.

**:It doesn't help that it's easily one of the most annoying parts of the game! I hate jumping puzzles!

Oh, poor.... Igor... Ivor...Ivan? What was his name? Anyway, i've always thought he has very strange shape of his mouth.... maybe that has something to do with his voice

ive still never played through this one, never really wanted to, but its interesting to se what happens in this thread, keep it up!

ive still never played through this one, never really wanted to, but its interesting to se what happens in this thread, keep it up!

If you really want to see the game played, I wouldn't recommend this thread for that. This is more like something for people that have already played and want to look back and laugh. Completely fine if you're reading these without playing the game first, though!

Anyway, a good source for videos of the Tomb Raider games (including TR:C) is

(just type in TR5 03 etc. to see the next video)

Gallows Tree should be here about Friday I guess.

Remember, patience is a virtue.

Edited June 22, 200719 yr by VonCroyJr.

Fire on water is actually most likely in a sinking submarine. Engine oil and gasoline both float in water, and both are flammable. All it would have taken is a spark--whether from people blithely shooting hither and yon or not--and whoosh, a more literal interpretation of "fire water".

Edited June 22, 200719 yr by Phantom_2040

LEVEL VIII: Gallows Tree

a.k.a: OMG I NEARLY SAW LARA'S BOOBS!!!*

I hope I can jump like a gazelle when I'm 16.

These things will stalk Lara for the rest of her adventures (or at least the ones covered in this game). If I was her, I'd be a little creeped out.

"I have gifts for theeeee...."

"How do I know you're not just one of those pedophiles?"

"Yep, I ripped my heart out, strung myself up, and let myself rot JUST to seduce you!"

"Good point..."

"So let me get this straight. You want me to swandive from a dizzying height into that little water-filled opening?!"

"Yep."

"'Kay!" ^-^

Home invasion is fun.

"Ooh, a choker necklace! I always wanted one of these!"

*yoink*

Frickin' klepto.

Oh, that fence is just asking to be obliterated!**

"OH SNAP!"

"Yeeees....yeeeeeees.....burn, BUUUURN! Oh....hi Father Patrick. "

Behold! Whatwouldbeironifcore'stexturingpeopleweren'tsodamnlazy!"

"Nooooo....my only weakness!"

Huh. I guess Father Patrick was right about their being nothing down here...

I've never been so terrified by munchkins.

*:Except she was only 16 in the FMV so if you got that excited about it, you need therapy.

**: Lara was also very sad that she had to use her new necklace.

Hahahahahahaha, i really liked the conversation between Lara and the rotten man Now you HAVE to admit that his voice is much worse than Yarofev/ Ivan/ Igor/ whatever his name was.... oh, the admiral of the submarine! God!)

On with the show!

This is getting a little hectic, since I'm already near the end of the game (last portion of "Red alert!") yet I still have to make updates for Old Mill and all of VCI (which tends to blend together) after this one!

LABYRINTH

a.k.a Well, I'm not sleeping tonight!

Nightmare fuel, ahoy!

I think this is the tackiest looking church I have ever seen. Purple leopard skin walls? Come on now.

It's like Where's Waldo but with BLOODTHIRSTY SKELETONS!

This scene is a highlight of the game. Not because of the sheer creepiness, but because on the happy-go-lucky carnival music that plays during it.

I wonder how Lara managed to sleep again ever after seeing stuff like this...

Look, the Tome of Eternal Darkness!

Whoops...wrong franchise!*

The damn light thing moves like someone's grandma, but at least it's not screaming "Hey listen!" every five seconds!**

It was too fast to picture, but Lara was just walking along and slipped, doing a complete 360 in the air. Wow, can we say clumsy?!?!

*: There was a game that came out close to this one for the Dreamcast (???) called Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem that featured a similar looking book. Huzzah for nerdiness!

**: For the few people that actually got that joke, thank you.

Zelda: Ocarina of Time

You're really good, VCJ! A shame the pics are a tad too dark... Can't wait for the next level

You're really good, VCJ! A shame the pics are a tad too dark... Can't wait for the next level

Which will be no problem for me since....

....

.....

I COMPLETED TR5 LAST NIGHT!!!!!

Cool! Congrats! We're waiting for the update

Geez, I'm eventually going to have to beat you all of with a stick!

Old Mill

a.k.a *swing**jump**crack*

Hey, look, a nice horsey-man! Hello friend!

Horsey-man no want friend?

We've finally reached it! The most annoying section in the game!

"Hm....that one section of the fence is oddly miscolored. I wonder if the developers are hinting at something? Eh, probably not."

You're bound to lose a good 80% of your health if not all in this section! And what's your reward?! A large medipack that you desperately need, making the whole situation a waste of time! I could cut the irony with a knife.

"Silly large-breasted mortal! Crudely drawn Pagan symbols do not stop a Catholic demon like myself!"

Seriously, if this game criss-crosses religions one more time, I'm going to scream.

"No worries, girl. I'm merely fainted, not dead although my eyes are wide open!"

Lousy good-for-nothing Core Design with their laziness!

"Nope, I can't cross running water! That's why I built a bridge across the moat that I could easily cross if I didn't get distracted by lecturing large-breasted teenage girls and snapping priests' necks!

"Away, vile hag! I've already had to deal with one creepy pedophile tonight!"

Yay, the midgets come in handy! I almost forgive you for throwing rocks at me while I was trying to make a complex jump! Too bad the key word was "almost"! *stomp*"

I knew something was missing from this game. It just wasn't annoying enough already. Luckily, they threw in a timed run at the last minute! I hate you, Core Design.

Up on the rooftops click click cl--*snap*!

This is sadly the first but not only time she releases an evil otherworldly creature...

*sigh* Lara, will you ever learn?*

Yay, we're done with Ireland!

Wait....if we've finished Rome, Russia and Ireland's levelsets then that must mean...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

*:Isn't having left over images from the "SAA Playthrough of TR4" thread great?!

**: If you don't get that reference then you need to go out and rent Star Wars Episode III. Now.